What if Charles Perrault were alive and kicking today? How would he compose his fairytales?
THE SLEEPING BEAUTY IN THE WOOD
When choosing a life partner, look carefully at his family.
See also: Sleeping Beauty And Cannibalism
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
If you think you might assault someone, stay out of the fucking woods.
See also: The Evolution Of Little Red Riding Hood
Ladies, trust your instincts. If you think that old man next door is creepy, don’t let anyone talk you out of it. Also, if your new husband treats you like a child and starts playing mind games with you, get out of there before the shit really hits the fan.
See also: Bluebeard by Charles Perrault, a breakdown of the story structure
THE FOOLISH WISHES
When arguing with the most important person in your life, be careful what you say. Words once uttered can affect your relationship forever.
When women are judged mainly on their looks, it’s not really all that surprising if the most beautiful daughter in a household is ostricised by her embittered female relatives. Nor is it surprising that these women, after a lifetime of discrimination, have become embittered.
It doesn’t matter if pearls and rubies fall out of your mouth; as long as you a beautiful your prince will find you. You don’t need to make any special sort of exertion; just leave home and go wandering through the woods.
HOP O’ MY THUMB
If your own parents are so nasty that they’ll take you and your siblings into the woods and leave you there to die in a time of famine, you don’t actually owe them anything after that. Make like a Scientologist and cut your ties.
If your father wants to ‘marry’ you, get the fuck out of there and everything will eventually be okay.
RICKY WITH THE TUFT
Although men need women to be beautiful (for ‘evolutionary reasons’ or whatever bullshit they feed you these days), women are not to expect their male partners to be equally good-looking. If you’re a woman, your beau can be the ugliest fucking bastard in the world, but as long as you really really love him, you’ll eventually realise, with no magic whatsoever, everything about him is hunky dory. In other words, women have to conform to the Beauty Standard, but men do not.
CINDERELLA; OR THE LITTLE GLASS SLIPPER
You’re more marriageable if you’re both charming and beautiful. Even better if you’re rich, but two out of three will suffice. You may even attract a prince. But do you really want a husband who’s chosen you for your beauty, your lifelong acculturation as a compliant doormat, and your smaller than average feet?
See also: The History And Influence Of Cinderella