Welcome to the Creature Cafe


Despite recent media interest, we assure our customers that we are a totally regular and super normal suburban mall café.



Our wonderful, gifted head chef is experienced in biological gastronomy, having trained at the Intergalactic Culinary Institute. Moreover, Chef Popo is a lifelong learner and has gained qualifications spanning several Earth centuries.


Sous Chef Weebil is themself made of hamburger patty and cheese, so is perfectly positioned to provide customers with a peak dining experience.


Sam is an enthusiastic member of our team and stays up all night on coffee to create brand new designs for every brand new sunrise.


Brandon is our one Earthling staff member and has been with us for almost 25 years now. This young buck is still learnin the trade and frequently sports one singed-off eyebrow! When he first joined our team, Brandon Crusk looked relatively normcore, but we soon took care of that. These days Brandon seems permanently surprised. This is a candid shot of Brandon taking a sneaky lil nap on the job. Go, Brandon!


Originally hailing from a Venus-like planet, he puts everything we make into his trap before either swilling, swallowing or spitting. Gavin has a phenomenal sense of smell and taste, as well as an extra few senses indescribable to Earthlings, as they evolved from scratch on a different planet.


Grot is a whizz in the kitchen, and specialises in transforming any old dumpster findings into something edible for valued customers. You’ll be amazed at what Grot can whip up out. Got an onion and one half bottle of Worcestershire sauce in your pantry? No problem. Grot will turn it into a gourmet feast.


Turp works in our underground laboratory, and manages our expansive hydroponic garden, deep water culture and drip systems.


Our wait staff are fully local and homegrown! All of our wait staff were tended to by Turp McDill. Their faces cannot help but smile at all times. They’re simply shaped that way! So if you’d like customer service with an upside-down frown, The Creature Cafe is your surefire bet!


Here at the Creature Cafe, dishes are enthusiastically and naturally cleaned by a team of underwater bottom feeders in our huge underground vats.


Note: Some of our famous cupcakes are not suitable for children and require extra TLC before going home with their new owners! Talk to our friendly staff about which cupcake is right for you.

Tell this chocolate cupcake a sad story and watch its eyes well up. (Expert level: Makes its lips quiver.)

This vanilla chocolate favourite comes with a thick dollop of animated icing who can’t wait to meet you.

This slightly evil-looking piggy comes with edible earrings, a blue toupee made of sugar sprinkles and prefers its eyes to be eaten first.

The Pink Kitty cupcake tastes of gasping surprise.

This cute character loves to keep watch. Take them to a party surrounded by other cupcakes and ask it later to report back on any gossip it heard about you.

With a tail made of solid milk chocolate, this spotty cat thing sees no evil, speaks no evil, but only hears and smells evil. Unfortunately (or mercifully!) this variety of cupcake is unable to report back on it.


The Pug Burger is a tasty treat who will do a little dance for you before sitting down obediently, ready for consumption. (Limbs and horns are made of potato fries.)

Our Cheese Burgers can be ordered gherkin free. Please refrain from picking out the gherkins and throwing them against our beautiful front windows.

The Potato Burger is for our carb lovers, with a generous half potato as base, light on the works, a thin sesame seed bun, decorated with the top half of that… potato. Here’s looking right at ya, kid!

The Crab Burger scuttles to your table without any wait staff, perfect for customers in a hurry. Can be consumed in three hearty bites! The meat patty is made of seafood extender. Enjoy with Thousand Island dressing, on every table.

The Regular Burger is ‘regular’ in name only!

The Double Patty arrives with a cute, toothy grin. Patties are cooked to your liking. Please specify your preference when ordering. (Rare, super rare or raw.)

The Crab Burger contains no seafood. Note, no (0) seafood, seafood free. Perfect for customers who would love to eat, say, crab but who are allergic to seafood.

Our Christmas Burger is available all year round, by popular demand. With a cosy baked potato for a a head, and a body made of regular burger, the horns are reminiscent of reindeer. Why not take one home and leave it out for Santa’s snack? Not even Christmas? Well, you never know your luck!


Below is a small selection of recent bacon and egg dishes, some of which arrive to the table on their own. No two bacon and egg dishes are the same!


The Comfort Collection

Because there’s nothing like a pie for comfort eating.

Ever been told you’re rubbish at telling jokes? This pie will laugh and cackle at everything you say.

Got great news and no one to share it with tonight? The Great News pie will share in your joy. Best of all, you can eat the joy afterwards!

Our Listening Intently Pie will be absolutely horrified at any anecdote which annoyed you today. Offers reassuring noises and no actionable advice.

This is the budget version of our Listening Intently and with Disgust Pie, made from pastry off-cuts. (Ears are optional.)

The Revenge Collection

Revenge is a dish best served cold, but these pies can be heated upon request.

We recommend our unbranded giftbox when sending this pie to unassuming recipients. Despite appearances, The Eyeball is our most delicious pie.

This looks like an apple pie, and is, in fact, an apple pie. It contains one large, sour, uncooked apple. Great for those occasions when the gifter requires plausible deniability.

The Peephole Pie is a real show-stopper, folks. Goofy, eye-catching and sure to start a conversation. Is it a bird? A dinosaur? A few slices of perfectly positioned apple?

This cute little pastry guy is clearly wielding a dagger but also, arguably, is holding a butter knife ready for slicing into that pie skirt and letting out steam!

No one would ever guess what’s behind this toothy grin. Serve this pie when recipients are already a little suspicious.

The Stand-Up Pie divides in two and stands up suddenly when the recipient least expects it.

Our Meat Pasty sacrifices another, smaller, (meatless) pasty as a subtle warning to recipients, under the guise of catering to both omnivorous and vegetarian dietary requirements.

This Squint Pie looks gruesome, or somehow inappropriate, but really you’re looking at apple slices looking back at you. Perfect for that potluck dinner invitation you’d rather not suffer through twice.

The Plague Pie contains a medieval surprise.

The Snake Pastry Pie will start to hiss and writhe when heated in the home oven to 160 degrees celcius. Very exciting to watch through the oven door!

Halloween Pies

These pies are perfect for scary season! Check out this year’s offerings!

This cute pastry likes to grow wings like a bat. Then it flies away!

Tired of pesky trick o’ treaters but don’t want to be TPed? This animated pie will answer your door all evening and offer itself up.

Want the treats but don’t want the hassle of trick o’ treating? Send this pie out to collect the goods. Your neighbours will be amazed at the realism when they see ‘you’ dressed as a delicious, steaming apple pie!



No two sandwiches at Creature Cafe are alike. Order a bespoke piece or leave it entirely to our creative sandwich designer! Don’t forget to snap your selfie with our sandwich app and like us on your socials!




Fresh Summer Salads




This cute dollop will be very sad if you don’t accept their offering of a bowl on legs with a delicious scoop of vanilla.

This cute little number likes to pretend its a horsey. Neigh!

In this two-for-one deal you get two very cold ice creams who aren’t speaking to each other.

This ice cream doesn’t melt. Instead the drips congeal into hard masses and extend outwards. No artificial colors, additives or flavorings! This light berry scoop is perfect for the young children in your life.

This ice cream comes with its very own sun umbrella for eating outside under the hot sun, and is perfect for connoisseurs who prefer their food without eyes.

We recommend this ice cream for selfies. The perfect accessory for summer photobombing!

This cute ice cream comes with its own emotional support ice cream and an edible spoon.

Strawberry Desserts

Banana Desserts





Dolly Mixtures

Dollies for voodoo use must be ordered at least two days in advance. Pays to get these things right! We don’t want to stick pins in the wrong enemy now, do we?

Our dolly mixture creatures are popular with our youngest customers and also make a great gift for Grandma! Dolly Mixture Dollies are also great for that emo goth teen in your life.

Jelly Beans

Assorted Deep-Fried Goodies

We deep-fry anything (or anyone) upon request.

Here is our super popular deep-fried burger and fries with breadstick ears and boiled-egg eyes. The top lip is a streak of delicious boutique tomato sauce.

The golden, crispy, double jacket potato is popular with our high end clients. Available in a range of carets. Also comes in burnt.


On paper, things look fine. Sam Dennon recently inherited significant wealth from his uncle. As a respected architect, Sam spends his days thinking about the family needs and rich lives of his clients. But privately? Even his enduring love of amateur astronomy is on the wane. Sam has built a sustainable-architecture display home for himself but hasn’t yet moved into it, preferring to sleep in his cocoon of a campervan. Although they never announced it publicly, Sam’s wife and business partner ended their marriage years ago due to lack of intimacy, leaving Sam with the sense he is irreparably broken.

Now his beloved uncle has died. An intensifying fear manifests as health anxiety, with night terrors from a half-remembered early childhood event. To assuage the loneliness, Sam embarks on a Personal Happiness Project:

1. Get a pet dog

2. Find a friend. Just one. Not too intense.




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